Nihon Nerd

Look at me! Writing another blog entry. I’m so proud of myself. I don’t even know how I have the energy to do this (hint: I don’t). But I’m doing it anyways. TAKE THAT TIREDNESS! You can’t beat me. Unless I’m on the subway. Then you win. EVERY. TIME. Seriously! It doesn’t matter what time of day it is. Morning. Afternoon. Mid-morning. Mid-afternoon-morning. Afternoon-mid-morning-sorta-evening-but-not-really. Night. Late night. Not-too-late-but-still-late night. Really-late-night-so-it’s-practically-morning-but-still-considered-night-night-morning. DOESN’T MATTER! Every time I dose off. It’s inevitable. Thank god I’m the LAST stop on my subway line! Because I know one day I’m totally gonna pass out and get kicked off. And when that day happens, I will wake up, clench my fist, raise it high in the air, and scream, “DAMN YOU, TIRENDESSSSS!!!“

But I figured I’m going to try (keyword: TRY) to write a new blog entry every Friday night after I get my weekly treats: チーズ　カレー  + matcha green tea latte at my local Starbucks inside Tsutaya Books. I love this spot because it’s the PERFECT place to people watch. One of my favorite things to do. Alone. Yes, alone. How fitting! The topic of my blog tonight. How ’bout that. It’s like I planned that or something. Gosh, I’m smart…

So I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Because, well, I’ve been practically ALONE since I moved here to Japan back in September. The strange part? I kinda love it. Which is so stupidly ironic when you remember I MOVED HERE because I was DEPRESSED about how HOPELESSLY single I was. I make no sense.

But don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I prefer to be alone. Nor do I want to be alone forever (god, no!). But I’ve just grown to accept it. And it got me thinking: I purposely put myself in a situation that has allowed me to be ALONE and NOT be depressed. Which is great for 2 reasons: 1) My overall wellbeing has improved IMMENSELY, 2) I get to scream this in response to this relevation: “OXYMORON!!!!” Speaking of numbered reasons, here’s 3 things that have contributed to my ALONE ADDICTION.

1. CONTROLLED CHAOS

Since I’ve moved here, I’ve been in a perpetual state of controlled chaos. Everything has been a blur. When I first got here, I was in a MAD RUSH to get situated. Hell, I was HOMELESS for a couple of weeks. Then, after I got situated, I IMMEDIATELY started taking Japanese language classes FIVE DAYS a week for THREE MONTHS. All while I STARTED my business (OMG!). And once my classes ended, I got so many goddamn orders I started freaking out. Now,  I’m frantically trying to make EVERYTHING more efficient while also thinking of news ways to grow my business. And all of this leaves me with ZERO time to think of anything else but SURVIVING. Hell, last night, I DREAMED about fulfilling orders. NO JOKE. Who needs a break? Me! Me! Me! Who’s gonna get one? Not me! Not me! Not me!

But as frantic as my life is right now, it’s a disguise posing as a blessing. Or is that the other way around? I like this way better. I picture a DISGUISE wearing a MUSTACHE, TOP HAT, and a HALO. Is that a disguise? Not, just a prim and proper gentleman blessing, duh! Oh? My bad.

However you wanna say it, I have ZERO TIME to think about anything but work. And that’s good. Because one of the main reasons why I was so damn depressed back home was because I had TOO MUCH free time to obsess over what I didn’t have in my life. Didn’t help I was surrounded by people who HAD everything I WANTED, which made things worse. Now? I’m 100% alone, on my own. So instead of thinking about other people, I’m thinking about MYSELF. And since I have no one to compare myself to, I can just focus on doing what’s right for me. And that’s eat the BEST sweet potato cream bun every night. Goddamn, that thing is delicious.

But even if I DID magically meet someone (lol!), there’s no way I could make it work right now. Look at me! I’m a MESS! Sure, things are getting better, but I’m still taking a HUGE risk here and I really don’t have the bandwidth to devote any effort into anything other than myself. God, I’m selfish. See, I told you – ALONE ADDICTION!

Takeaway: If you’re feeling depressed, STRESS YOURSELF OUT like I do. Wait… No. No, no, NOOOOOOO – don’t do that! But do try to occupy yourself with meaningful things that take up a LOT of your time. It may not work for you, but it sure as hell worked for me.

2. 分かりません

OK, so I made myself MAD busy. All I can currently think about is NOT DYING in a Shibuya gutter and eating preposterous amounts of pastries every night. What else? Oh, how about the fact that I CAN’T COMMUNICATE with 90% of the people here. Which means, even if I did want to meet someone, I wouldn’t even be able to do it. Unless I met someone who wants hear me to talk about going to Tokyo Disneyland every week, because that’s about all I can talk about it. That, and say “thank you very much.” I’m REALLY damn good at that, ありがとうございます!

And I’m OK with this. At the moment, at least. I mean, it’s a good thing. Because I see myself in a state where I need to EARN the right to speak to people here. And that’s NOT going to happen any time soon. Probably for the better. In fact, it is for the better. Because it’s keeping me focused on normalizing my life here. However long that’ll take. Which, at this rate, may be FOREEEEVVVVAAAAA.

But I think once I can devote more time to learning the language and (eventually) become somewhat passable at stringing together multiple words and phrases to form sentences, I may just be ready to move on to the next stage of my life here. I’m just struggling to find time to study. Which really isn’t a good excuse. In fact, it’s a SHITTY excuse. I suck! I need to prioritize this. And I will. Once I stabilize my business. Until then, I’ll just be content knowing it’s just me and me alone out here.

Takeaway: Put yourself in a situation where you have to EARN something meaningful or worthwhile, because the emotional fulfillment is gonna be CRAZY rewarding once that day comes. My advice: Just DON’T do crazy hard stuff like try to learn Japanese. Maybe try to do something easier like learn how to play JAX or something. Seriously? WHO PLAYS JAX?

3. Acceptance

This one is probably the most important. And the hardest. Because, trust me, I DID NOT want to accept the fact that I was going NOWHERE in my life. And that I wasn’t going get what I wanted. It’s hard, man. It’s REALLY hard. Hell, I remember when I used to be on like FIVE or SIX dating apps at the SAME TIME. It was brutal. I was so obsessed with meeting someone that it took over my life. It was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my first point. Because while aggressively online dating took up A LOT of my time, it was so completely and utterly UNFULFILLING and UNREWARDING. Don’t do what I did, folks. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.

Also, don’t EVER get that stupidly sticky pastry I get keep getting. It’s SO STICKY. OMG! Stick (lulz) to the BEST sweet potato cream bun. Have I talk… Oh? I have. Yeah… But seriously: THE BEST!

Back to me (I’m SO SELFISH!): Once I decided I wanted to move Japan (and thusly ditching the dating apps), my overall demeanor changed DRAMATICALLY. Because I was working towards something POSITIVE that I had CONTROL over versus putting my faith into SWIPING and TEXT MESSAGES. Barf.

That means I had to accept the fact that I may not ever get what I want. At least for a LONG-ASS while. Like I said, this is HARD. I’m 35 years old. I’m not sure how you feel about that number, but I feel OLD AS ALL HELL. Especially considering I want SO BAD to start a family. And I honestly don’t know if that’s in the cards for me. Which kinda sucks. I WANT A NEW DECK! But I gotta accept it. So I have. For now at least. Like I said, it’s NOT EASY. The other day I was on my friend’s podcast and one of the guys on the podcast was talking about how awesome it was to take his kids to Tokyo Disneyland and see their reaction to meeting Mickey. That shit KILLED ME. That’s why I LIKE TO BE ALONE. I don’t wanna hear that. I don’t want to think about it. I wanna be in my OWN LITTLE BUBBLE. It’s great in here! Come inside. Just kidding! THIS IS MY BUBBLE – leave me alone! Lulz! But if do you wanna come in my bubble, TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES first. Seriously. Ain’t no body wants your shit-covered sneakers mucking up my bubble!

Takeaway: Bubble etiquette is REAL! But, more importantly, it’s not healthy to expect UNEXPECTABLE things to happen, so, instead, it’s best to focus on EXPECTABLE things.

That’s it! BTW: For all of y’all who follow my ¥1,000 meals a day, I gotta say this: I ADORE my dinners alone. It’s easily my FAVORITE time of the day. It’s weird, really – I sit in the SAME spot every night. Listen to the same annoying jingle. Eat the same things (BEST sweet potato cream bun!). And, yet, it’s comforting. Because I’ve grown to ACCEPT where I’m at in my life. And I’m OK with it. At least right now. Because, if we recap, I CAN’T COMMUNICATE with anyone here and I’m MAD BUSY. So I really have no choice. Who knows how I’ll feel a year from now, but right now, I’m just happy I’m CONTROLLING the direction of my life rather than feeling like I need someone to help me do that.

See y’all らいしゅう!