OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

Just barely, though – I almost didn’t write a blog this week. Not because I can’t put words on the screen; that’s easy! Just check this out:

WORDS. WORDS. WORDSSSSSS.

Yep, I just did that. You hear that? That’s the sound of me patting myself on the back. Why does it sound like a dog crying? Well, my neck hurts, OK? So this is rather painful for me. I really need to stop impressing myself. Ow. Ow. Ow. I wish I wasn’t so awesome. Ow. Ow. Ow. Hmm… I got an idea: Maybe I should stop. OMG! Great idea! I’m SO SMART. That deserves another… Oh, crap…. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Enough of that nonsense. So I didn’t know what to write about tonight. And I got limited time left here at Starbucks. Which means I gotta blabber about SOMETHING. Whoa! Another great point worthy of a… Uh-oh. Err, I mean, BAD IDEA. BAD! BAD! BAD!

Yes, bad idea. Speaking of bad ideas, I recently finished listening to the audio book (and later watching) Ready Player One, a book about a nerd who’s so goddamn good at referencing shit, he prolly has permanent hand prints from self-back-patting.

Originally, I thought I kinda enjoyed the book, but after listening to this awesome podcast about how much it sucks (and later seeing the movie), I’ve realized the book (and the author) is garbage, like the kind found in a pail, possibly one with a kid inside. See what I did there? I could have wrote that crap.

One of my biggest gripes with the book/movie is the lack of importance or resonance given to the references. He just lists random crap without any sort of significance or emotional impact. So I thought I’d talk about one my biggest ’80’s influences and my all-time favorite movie: The Goonies. Let’s get into it!

If you haven’t seen it, The Goonies is a movie. From the ’80’s. Got it? Good! Moving on…

No joke, I just gave more context in that sentence above than the author does for 99.9% of the references in the book. Unless, that is, he’s talking about something banal and boring like some random-ass text adventure game. Ugh. Words. On a screen? That’s not impressive AT ALL. Nor is it worth any sort of acknowledgment, particularly pats on any part of the body, ESPECIALLY backs. If you ever catch me doing that, please, kick me in the balls. With cleats. Because I’d never, ever, EVVERRRRRRR do… *Looks above*… MOVING ON x 2!

So I’m gonna talk about The Goonies. It’s the quintessential ’80’s kid’s movie starring a bunch of misfits who band together to go on an adventure to uncover hidden pirate treasure to save their neighborhood from becoming a COUNTRY CLUB. So ’80’s. This movie resonated with me for the following reasons:

Spilling Cups of Mysterious Pink Liquid: In the opening credits of the movie, you meet Chunk, the clumsy, rotund jokester who’s really good shuffling his truffle, making puke noises, and getting so excited about ORV’s with BULLET HOLES that he spills paper cups by pressing them too hard against windows.

Resonance: I spill shit, too! All the time. I’m JUST LIKE Chunk. I don’t always spill mysterious pink liquids. Nor do I spill said liquids in paper Pepsi cups. But you put a cup in my hand, get me near a window, and show me a car chase, and I’ll show you why mops are a practical household item to own.

Inhalers: Mikey, the main character, has asthma. So he’s constantly using an inhaler. I think that’s because he has asthma. Either that, or he’s a drug addict in training. Hard to tell; it was the ’80’s.

Resonance: I had asthma, too! In fact, I had it so bad that I had TWO DIFFERENT inhalers, much like the one Mikey uses in the movie. Looking back, I don’t know if I really had asthma or not. Because, as an adult, I’ve done so much goddamn cardio without dying, meaning it either went away or I just secretly convinced myself I needed an inhaler so I can identity with Mikey. Maybe both? Oh, and he had a variation of my name. And I befriended hot chicks older than me. Did I mention I’ve found pirate treasure, too? I didn’t? Oh. Maybe because I haven’t? What? That’s why? Gotcha. But did I tell you about the time I broke my mom’s favorite piece on our naked statue? Because that never happened either.

Nerdy Rejects: The Goonies are nerds. Awesomely entertaining nerds adept at finding hidden pirate treasure bountiful enough to prevent country club takeovers. But nerds nonetheless. The best example of this is when Andy, the hot cheerleader girl, is discovered by Troy, the dumbass popular jock late in the movie. When Troy sees Andy at the bottom of a well, he offers to help her up. But, when she refuses, he does what any good ’80’s villain does. He screams into the camera, belting, “ANDY, YOU GOOOOOOONIEEEEEEE!” The. Best.

Resonance: Get this: I was SUPER popular growing up. Had a ton of friends. Idolized at my school. Got everything I wanted (including the girl). Until I woke up. Pinched myself (ouch!) And I remembered I was a total weirdo, much like the rest of the Goonies. That’s why I identified with them so much. I was drawn into the romanticism of a group of friends banding together to fight for a common cause against all odds. And even though I’m now a total loner here in Tokyo, I still think about my life reflects the movie, mainly the sense of adventure, independence, and having the courage to believe not only in your ideals, but also yourself.

I could go on, but who cares? Not you, that’s for sure. But fun fact to tie this back to Japan: During my first trip to Japan back in 2015, I visited a PIRATE-THEMED maid cafe with my friends. And what was playing on the TVs? Um, duh – Hook! No, wait… That’s not it. Waterworld? No, no – not that. Pirates of Caribbean? YES!! Err, no. Maybe it was The Goonies? Nah, that’d make way too much sense. Imagine that – a pirate cafe playing The Goonies, the same movie I’m talking about in this blog. Too much of coincidence. Never mind!