OK, I’m back. Got how many more seasons of this show? Oh, I dunno. A lot apparently. How? But HOW? Guess I’ll find out. Let’s get into it… 

Recap:

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Season 3, Episode 1:

  • Horny Willow is slowly becoming a good guy, right? Because his whole family is totally crapping on him. Leave the little dude, alone!
  • I love how HPR gives up LOTR’s kid on a whim. If marriage was this easy today, I’d have 10 wives by now.
  • The dragons are growing fast. I know this because the Dragon Lady’s dude guard told me. Had he not said this, I wouldn’t have known.
  • For a season opener, not much really happened. I guess Dragon Lady is gonna buy a bunch of baby-killer soldiers or something? Speaking of, what is up with all the baby-killing in this show? This like the 3rd or 4th reference to that. The creator of this universe is messed up, man.

Episode 2:

  • Oh boy! I forgot to jot down my thoughts after watching this other night. Now I remember NOTHING as opposed to NEXT-TO-NOTHING. This will be fun!
  • Lady Knight failed to deliver Surfer Knight? Already? YOU HAD ONE JOB, LADY KNIGHT! ONE JOB!
  • Slutty Queen is so weird. Can’t get a read on her. I presume she’s a bad guy, but, then again, you can say that about almost any character on this show.
  • HPR has some WEIRD-ASS fetishes (ex: sword-licking, chicks shooting thing). I’d hate to see his browser history.
  • Sis and Bro (S&B) join the ranks of other random characters that just show up when drama is needed (see old, evil scorpion-killing fighter dude from the last episode)
  • Ugly Knight better not screw up Hunger Girl-Boy’s journey! I need her to meet with Death Genie again.

Episode 3:

  • I want to watch a 60 minute show where a dude tries (and fails) to shoot a fire arrow on a deadman canoe while a bunch of spectators stare at him with disgust every time he fails. Because I only got 30 seconds of it on this episode and I wanted MOAR.
  • So they put Horny Willow in charge of the COINS, eh? Wow. Such drama. Can’t wait for him to talk about balancing the COIN budget. So much better than RAPING people. Speaking of…
  • What the hell is up with all the goddamn RAPE on this show? I mean, I can KINDA stomach one instance of it in a season, but to have TWO rape scenarios in ONE episode is preposterous. Stop it!! Talk about coins some more. Or the inevitably of winter coming. ANYTHING.
  • Fat kid baked Hunger-Girl Boy wolf bread? WHERE DID HE LEARN TO DO THIS? I find this more unbelievable than DRAGONS, DEMON BABIES, and ICE ZOMBIES.
  • So Dragon Lady spends all last season bitching about losing her dragons, finally gets them back, and then immediately offers to give one away for an army? Sure, why not?
  • I like how the show made me feel SYMPATHY for Surfer Knight stopping Lady Knight’s rape. But I’ll like anyone on this show that stops rape. Shame he had to lose a hand for it, though.
  • What the HELL was up with the upbeat, modern song that played IMMEDIATELY after Surfer Knight lost his hand? That was jarring as all hell.

Episode 4:

  • I applaud the writers for making me feel sympathy for Surfer Knight. But you throw anyone in a pool of shit and make them drink horse piss and you’ll inevitably come out feeling SOME sympathy. Unless you’re HPR. That little jerk only cares about women licking his sword. Not, not that sword, you perv!
  • Uh, what was the point of releasing the traitor dude, killing the dudes trying to recapture him, and only to lead him RIGHT BACK INTO CAPTURE? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
  • Still have no idea what Slutty Queen and Snarky Mom are trying to do. It’s hard to keep track of all the manipulation. Speaking of…
  • I have NO IDEA whose side Uncle Fester is on. Is he good? Bad? Man, I dunno.
  • I feel kinda dumb for not realizing Dragon Lady never intended on giving up her dragon. But as soon as the transaction started, it was pretty obvious where it was going. One of the few times I actually understood what was going on.

Episode 5:

  • Missed opportunity for Snow Ginger NOT to bone Not-Orlando-Bloom in the literal SNOW. That would have been hot. Actually, cold. I imagine, that is; never boned in the snow before.
  • Wait… So flaming swords are a thing? I thought that was just a video game trope.
  • Also… Dudes can die and come back to life? Well, he does have an eyepatch, so I guess it’s realistic.
  • Kinda weird they didn’t show Lady Knight’s boobs, especially considering most every other female has shown their boobs at some point in this show. Good for her!
  • Speaking of Lady Knight, good job believing the story of a dude who LIED to keep you safe. Lol!
  • I love how the Papa Asshole is all like, “You get a wife, you get a husband!”
  • More dude-on-dude action. Love how this show clearly doesn’t care.
  • Speaking of, STOP KILLING CHILDREN. Jesus.

Episode 6:

  • Man, I’m so lost I had to go Wikipedia to find out things. They need to do a episode recap at the end for all the dumbasses like me.
  • So why did Fire Witch take Blacksmith Boy away? I didn’t bother to look that up in the Wikipedia. Too lazy.
  • Hunger-Girl Boy needs to kill someone soon. I’m getting antsy.
  • So much drama about marriage on this show. One dude doesn’t wanna marry an ugly wife, Evil Incest Queen doesn’t wanna marry Gay Guy, Horny Willow doesn’t wanna marry LOTR Daughter… Am I missing any?
  • What is up with the torture porn? Boobs >>>>>>>>>>>>>> torture.
  • Why is Snow Ginger and Not-Orlando-Bloom climbing a wall again? Other than to share a beautiful moment at the top, of course. Barf.

Episode 7: 

  • LOTR Jr. needs to stop boning so much. We get it. You got a wife now. Get over it!
  • Still have no idea what Slutty Queen is up to. But did enjoy her reaction when LOTR’s daughter asked if her mom taught her how to go to the bone zone. Lol!
  • WHAT IS UP WITH THE TORTURE PORN ALMOST TURNING INTO LITERAL TORTURE PORN? Just end this crap already.
  • Dragon Lady’s diplomatic strategy is basically this: Gimme what I want or DRAGONS, LULZ.
  • Still don’t know why Fire Witch has the Blacksmith Boy. Reasons?
  • Are they turning Surfer Knight? Because it’s weird to actually kinda like him. I feel dirty. Ew.

Episode 8:

  • So is Ugly Knight now a good guy, too? QUIT PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS!
  • At least I know HPR is 100% evil. Threatening rape? STOP IT!
  • Don’t like Fire Witch either. Stop being weird!
  • So is Death Genie the mercenary who didn’t kill Dragon Lady? I think so, but I’m not sure. Better be. Death Genie is the BEST.
  • This show wins the award for most awkward wedding.
  • So… Chunk killed the ICE ZOMBIE with some special blade, right? Because that’s the only way that makes sense.

Episode 9:

  • Dude, what the HELL is up with this show? I mean… I like gore. I like violence. I love horror movies. But this shit is starting to be too much for me. GRATUITOUSLY killing a fucking unborn baby AND her mother… Because a dude broke a promise to marry someone? AND THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR SHOWS ON TELEVISION? HOW? I need to watch Saved By the Bell to cleanse myself.
  • I guess that’s the infamous “Red Wedding” I’ve heard about for years. I like Billy Idol’s colored wedding better.
  • I don’t know what else to write. That scene was just preposterous. Who the hell are we supposed to root for now? WHO ARE THE HEROES? WHO THE HELL IS LEFT? Whatevs.

Episode 10:

  • MISA! MISA! MISA! Misa have no clue what’s going on.
  • Hard to follow the last episode. Why wasn’t that the finale? Not much happened here. Except the usual nonsense, of course.
  • So the torturer cut off the dude’s dick? I’m over it. Just end this storyline.
  • Over Fire Witch, too. OVER IT.
  • Over Not-Orlando-Bloom’s pointless storyline as well.
  • But I’m NOT over Hunger Girl-Boy teaming up with Ugly Knight. That’s rad.
  • I asked this last time, but who are we supposed to root for? I’m 100% behind Hunger Girl-Boy and that’s it.

What an insane season. Again, HOW DOES THIS GO ON FOR FIVE MORE SEASONS? Someone send me a raven stat!