OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

Yep, I’m back for the attack. Not a physical attack, though. Ouch! This isn’t an episode of Game of Thrones. I’m not going to slit your throat. Or chop off your head. Or force you to fight a bear. Actually, I may do that. But only a cute bear. Like this little guy.

Seriously – why are you so SCARED, BEAR? It’s just a baby lion. Calm the the hell down. Jesus.

I shouldn’t be talking, though, because at the beginning of every month, I AM THAT BEAR. New month? OMG!!!!!

Not joking. That’s the topic of my blog this week: the FEAR of FAILING every month. Let’s get into it! 

As I write this, it’s May the 4th Live Long and Prosper Day. This is notable for me, not because it’s shameless to celebrate a sci-fi movie), but becuase I’ve noticed I get super depressed at the beginning of every month. Which may seem weird to you. Or not. Because, honestly, when am I NOT weird (hint: NEVER).

But if you’re wondering why, I’m scared of calendars. Have you ever seen one? They have so many numbers on them. Not just that. But also… WORDS. Words + numbers = nightmares for DAYS. Sometimes MONTHS. Or even a whole YEAR.

OH.

MY.

GAWDDDDDDD!!!

But that’s not why I’m scared. No, I’m frightened because I start every month wondering if I’ll make enough to survive here. “B-b-but Michael,” you say, “Didn’t you do well last month?” S-s-stop stuttering! Yes, I did well. I was very happy with my progress last month. But the scary part about my business is consistency: it DOESN’T EXIST.

Sure, I can look at the amount of orders I received last month and hope I’ll reach (or exceed) that number, but it’s a total crapshoot. And that’s SCARY. So I start every month worrying I’m going fail. And fail HARD. Like learning Japanese HARD. Trying to understand Game of Thrones HARD. Counting higher than 3 HARD. HARDER than HARD HARD. 😱

And that wrecks my fragile emotions. Because, unlike a normal job, my income isn’t consistent. I don’t know exactly how much I’m going to make each week. Or each month. Certainly not a year. Although, even if I had a fixed income, I still wouldn’t know how much I make in a year; ain’t nobody got time to calculate that shit.

This makes it hard for to justify spending money on anything that’s not 100% necessary for my business. For example, I really want to buy a second computer to leave in my office, mostly so I don’t have to lug my laptop back-and-forth every day. Because, right now, my neck and shoulders are completely destroyed. It’s brutal. And it’s only going to get worse once it’s SUPER hot outside. Seems like an essential purchase, right? Sure, but with the amount of money I’m making, I really can’t justify spending $1000+ on a computer right now. And since I have no idea where I’ll land each month, it’s impossible for me to predict if I can afford one or not. And that’s scary!

So I start each month worrying. Am I overreacting? Of course not! Me? Overreact? NEVER!

Fine. Maybe a little. See, the problem is, I’m too hard on myself. I’m so focused on staying ahead of my orders that I have little-to-no time to focus on growing my business. Which means I get bummed if I have slow a day, even if I’m super productive (which I am).

But I’m trying to get better at finding time to promote myself a little bit better. As scary as things are right now, if I can build up enough subscribers, I won’t have to worry about new orders nearly as much. Then I can focus on other things important to me, like learning Japanese. But that’s still a long ways away. Can I get there? Man, I hope so. Until then, I’m going to continue to live each month like it’s my last (hello, FIDDY sushi sets!).

Takeaway: Don’t take anything for granted. Be thankful for what you have month-to-month. And, most importantly, be humble.