OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

Here we go. I feel like I’m in the groove. Like a groove in a record? Is that where that phrase comes from? I dunno. Lemme ask my friend Google. Hey, Google – WHAT THE HELL DOES IN THE GROOVE MEAN?

Apparently it means to “perform well.” Uh, duh! I knew that. I’m not stupid; I’m just an idiot. An idiot who is in a groove (possibly from a record?). So, basically, I perform well at idiocy. Yep, that sounds accurate. Like, dude, get this – the sound of a groove from a… RECORD. See! LOOK WHAT I’M DOING HERE! I’m tying things together like a pair of shoes that don’t have velcro, because if they had velcro, you’d prolly use the velcro, unless they were slip-ons, because those don’t have laces either, which would totally ruin my analogy, so, let’s just make this easy and say the figurate shoes I’m referring to are not slip-ons nor have velcro, but have TONS of laces that need so much goddamn tying it’d take at least 5-10 minutes to tie them all, not to say it would take you that long to tie laces on these shoes-that-don’t-exist because maybe you’re a goddamn prodigy at tying things, and if that’s the case, wow, good for you, no need to brag about it or anything, we get it, you’re REALLY good at tying laces, why don’t you go tie yourself a bow and wear that on your head to show the world how good you are at tying while us morons duct tape are shoes to our feet because we’re not as refined and skilled as you, you goddamn showoff.  See, I told you I’m not stupid! Idiot? The grooviest.

Speaking of grooves, whether from records or not, my blog this week deals with dancing. Yes, dancing. And how 2 Japanese pro-wrestlers inspired me to DANCE like a mofo when I’m walking around in public. Let’s get into it!

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OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

I hope this isn’t shocking to you. Me writing another blog. If it is, listen – I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I like to write words. A lot of words. Look at all these words. Words. Words. Words. You see that last word? Dude. What a word! WORD! And, here you are, reading them. Whoa! That’s cool. For me, at least. It may be a lot of work for you. Reading. All. These. Words. Do you want me to go slower?

TYPE.

EACH.

WORD.

ON.

A.

SEPARATE.

LINE.

OH.

MY.

GOD.

THIS.

ISN’T.

ANNOYING.

JUST KIDDING.

IT.

IS.

OH.

GOD.

WHY.

AM.

I.

NOT.

STOPPING?

Good question! I ask myself all the good ones, don’t I? Another good one! Thanks? You’re… Welcome? Am I? Yes? Yes! Yes. Because I’m so good at asking myself questions, I’m going to make that the theme of this blog.

Y’see, as I write this, it’s the THREE YEAR anniversary of my FIRST trip to Japan. Left America on April 3, 2015 and arrived in Japan on April 4. Today, the day I’m writing this, is April 6. Like, whoa. This is a pretty big deal because my first trip to Japan is the reason why I’m here now. So I couldn’t be here now if I wasn’t here then. Are you following? Because I was here then, I’m here now. If I wasn’t here now, then I wouldn’t be here then. No? Wait. Um… If I wasn’t here then and I’m not here now, does that mean… I DON’T EXIST?!?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

But I’m here now, so it’s all good.

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Now that we’ve established I was here then and now, I’m going to interview myself about my first trip to Japan and how it influenced me to move here 3 years later. Let’s get into it!

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OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

Big whoop, right? Or should it be a small whoop? Is writing a blog every week worthy of a large-sized whoop? I’m not even sure. I mean, technically how big is a “big whoop” anyways? I need some context here. Now I’m worried about my whoop; HOW BIG AND/OR SMALL SHOULD IT BE? Oh, god – WHAT HAVE I DONE! Now I got WHOOP ANXIETY. This is horrible. OK, how about this: me writing another blog is a whoop of an undetermined size? If you want the whoop to be big, awesome! Small? Go for it! Medium? Uh, I guess. Medium-small? Dude. Small-medium? Uh-oh. Medium-small-sorta-big? …You suck.

Speaking of whoops of varying sizes, the past 6 months of my life here in Japan has had its ups and downs. I’ve had a lot of cool moments, fo sho. But I’ve also had a bunch of crappy ones, too. Both kinda balance each other out. Y’know – gotta have some shitty moments to appreciate the special ones. And vice versa. It’s kinda like a bag of skittles; you gotta have a bunch of lame-ass flavors like lemon and orange to appreciate the real winners: grape and cherry. Hmm… Unless you buy the berry-only bag. CRAP. I just ruined my own analogy. Can I get a do-over? I can feel my whoop shrinking by the second. AHHHH!!

What I meant to say is this:

Whoop, there it is!

Just kidding. I have no idea where the whoop is. Nor do I know its size. I’m the worst whooper to have ever whooped, here or there. So, instead, I’m going to list my top 3 COOLEST and CRAPPIEST moments from my past 6 months here. Let’s get into it!

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OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

Pretty cool, right? I think so. I mean, it’s OK, I guess. Just a blog. Y’know – words. On the screen. Grouped together to form sentences. With… Punctuation…

Wow. I take back what I said earlier – this isn’t pretty cool, oh, no-no. Screw that! This is AMAZE. This is BALLZ. This is…

AMAZEBALLZ.

And you’re reading these ballz of amaze right now because words + sentences = grammar. Thanks, English language. Can you help me learn Japanese, plz? ありがとうございます!

Speaking of Japanese, did you know that English isn’t Japanese and Japanese isn’t English. It’s true. I know this because I made a communication compromise to live here. Just one of the many compromises I’ve made since I’ve arrived. You smell that? I farted. Just kidding. That’s gross. I actually think I smell the topic of my blog this week. Hold on… *sniff-sniff* No, I think I did fart. Oops – my bad.

But, weirdly enough, my fart DOES kinda smell my topic for this week: compromise. Let’s get into it!

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OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

At this point, I should just accept the fact that I’m going to write a new blog every week. But once I do that, I just KNOW going to miss a week. So, to keep that from happening, I’m going to stay impressed with my ability to blabber bullshit every week. And I do that by screaming. Lots of screaming. So let’s get that out of the way, shall we?

OMGGGGG!!!

WORDS!!

ON THE SCREEN!!!

THEY JUST KEEP COMING!!!!

WILL IT EVER STOP?

RETHETOICAL QUESTION FAIL!

Ah… All better. Speaking of staying impressed, I also find it impressive that I’m not dead yet. Or living in a Shibuya gutter. Because, at the time of this writing, it’s my 6 month anniversary living here in Japan. To celebrate, I figured I’d reflect on my time here so far and where I see myself 6 months from now (hopefully not dead nor in a gutter!). Let’s get into it!  Continue reading →

OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

And no one is reading it. Lol! It’s only funny because it’s true. Why do I even do this every week? I ask that question every Friday when I try to think about what I’m going to blabber about. And my answer is always this: “Corgis.” That’s my answer for everything. What should I do today? Corgis. How do balloons float? Corgis. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, can anyone hear you fart? Corgis. You can’t tell me corgis doesn’t answer all those questions sufficiently. And even if you can, I’ll respond back with this: “CARBBBBSSSSS!” Second best answer to any question. Corgi carbs? I can’t even. Only I can. And it involves a bucket of drool and perma heart-shaped eyes. And a one-way ticket to heaven. TAKE ME THERE!

Not until they install an elevator, though; ain’t nobody got time to climb those long-ass stairs. Until then, I’ll continue to yap to an empty void. Hello, no one! Nice to not hear from you. Speaking of hearing, the topic of my blog this week is listening. In particular, my insane dedication to listening to customer requests. Let’s get into it!

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OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

I’m still impressed. You probably aren’t. But you should be. Look… Words are on the screen! And you’re reading them. RIGHT NOW. How are you not COMPLETELY and UTTERLY impressed by this? Unless you actually are. If that’s the case, calm down, dude! It’s just words. Jesus.

But I will tell you something that IS impressive… My topic for this week’s blog: materialism. More specifically, how my business cured me of it. Let’s get into it… Continue reading →

OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

I told you I was going to write that every week. Because if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s… It’s… Wait… I’m good at something? Wow! I’m impressed with myself. Good job, me! (Thanks, me.) I am awesome. (No, me – WE ARE AWESOME.) YES WE ARE! (SO AWESOME!) YES! (YES!) YES! (YES!) Wait… What are we good at? (I dunno, you tell me.) NO, YOU TELL ME! (YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, ME!) GO TO HELL! (MEET YOU THERE!)

Wait… What the hell are WE talking about? Oh yeah! I (we’re) good at consistency. Also, eating food. If there was an olympic sport for eating food, I’d probably get 9th place or something. Maybe 10th – who knows! All I’m saying is I’d make the team. I’m not cocky, OK? Jesus. I’m confident! There’s a difference. I’m also good at eating food on the cheap, the topic of this blog. Because, I’m not sure if you know this or not (you better know it!), but I’m making next-to-nothing to live my dream of making next-to-nothing in a place where I can only communicate with 5% of the population. I HOPE I NEVER WAKE UP! But I do hope I make money. God, yes! SHOW ME THE MONIES! Then gimme said monies. Actually, let’s skip the showing and cut to GIVING! GIMME! GIMME! GIMME!

But until I get the monies, I have to stick to a SUPER STRICT daily meal budget of ¥1,000 (little under $10). How do I do it? WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW! Wait… You would like to know? Oh, OK then! Let’s get into it…

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OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

See? It never gets old. For me, at least. I’m sure it’ll get old for you. But, then again, if you read my daily ¥1000 Meals a Day posts, then you must be immune to redundancy. Congratulations! You should put that on your resume. Right next to “Hire me… Or else!” That’s a good way to show an employer you REALLY want the job. Because, if you don’t get it, what are you gonna do? Huh? Who wants to take that risk? I sure as hell don’t. I don’t trust you. You’re hired!

Speaking of trust, I never trust myself to write a new blog post, yet here I am. On a day when I don’t feel like writing either. Trooper, I am. Talk like Yoda, I do. Fun times, totes!

This week I’m gonna ramble about bubbles. Not to be confused with balloons. Balloons suck ass! STOP FLOATING! We get it; you can’t fall to the ground. Big whoop! You know what can’t float? BUBBLES! That’s right. Bubbles… Can float? SON OF A BITCH!

Whatever. I’m talking about figurative bubbles anyways. And how I put myself in one when I moved here by completely disconnecting myself from social media, real media, and just about everyone else. For realz. Let’s get into it…

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OMG! I’m writing another blog? I AM writing another blog. AHH!

I think I’m going to write that every week from now on. Because, no joke, everything week I’m GENUINELY impressed I’m actually doing this. Hell, I ALMOST broke the streak this week. But I wasn’t going to let that happen. Nep. THE STREAK MUST CONTINUE. Even though I only have 20 minutes left to write this at my local Starbucks (it’s 11:40pm right now). NO PRESSURE!

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